akon blug

I never shared to anyone the real situation; I even tried forgetting it
and instead busied myself with work. Not for the reason that I’m
unaffected, not because it doesn’t matter but mainly because I was
avoiding the hurt, the pain and the reality.

I was avoiding the
reality that it came to an end, the realization that I failed, that I
failed her. I was a failure. I knew there was a problem, we’ve talked
about it but we never really got to a solution. I never really played
my part on the issue-solving. And like any scratch, it never really
healed. Worse, it bled. It was really my fault, I know that. I never
had that much time for her. I was busy with work, my family, with our
youth organization, with barkadas and so much more. But I know it was
not an excuse, I should not make it an excuse.

She carried our
relationship. It was her who always found time to communicate; it was
her who would make time for us. People may think that I never played my
role in the relationship; some even doubted my feelings for her, of my
purpose of getting involved in the relationship, and so many things.
Even she doubted. She thought our relationship was just an experiment,
I never thought at it that way. She thought that my being generous with
gifts and many things are my ways to compensate on my pagkukulang. But
I never thought that my being generous with gifts and favors would be
viewed that way. I know my gifts cannot compensate the time lost and
the moments that passed. I never really could blame them, nor could I
blame her for thinking that way.

I loved her and that is true. I loved myself when I was with her. I still even do.
She
means the world to me. I feel happy, secured, important and worthy when
I’m with her. She is comforting, loving, and makes me feel special even
though when I’m not.

Why am I sharing this?

Reality has
its way of sneaking up on you, biting you on your back. The hurt that I
was avoiding, the pain I tried forgetting, caught me unready. I found
out she went out with someone. And it hit me really hard. Kasasakit gud
man. Then I personally saw them together. Gusto ko na adto magwala. But
I got hold of my emotions, I always hold back, I never wanted a scandal
nor make her feel down in public.

Even up to now, knowing they’re together, eating out, laughing together, spending
moments
with each other. Each time I remember, each time I imagine them being
together, my heart crushes.  I know it’ll come, but I never knew it’ll
be soon. How could she make it so easy to find someone that easy? I
can’t blame her; I know I hurt her in so many ways. But damn, why
doesn’t just somebody stab me upfront and let me bleed than crush my
heart with each day.

They say, one will realize the importance of something when one losses it.
I
lost her. She is important to me, but I don’t know if getting back
would solve things. I don’t want to hurt her more; I don’t want to make
her unhappy. I can’t seem to give everything to her. There’s something
holding me back, there’s that fear, there’s that past, there’s that
doubt, and it pains me.

She’s willing to accept everything I am
and everything I did. But what is the sense when I myself couldn’t find
that core that impedes me with my life.
I love her, I still do but I cannot allow myself to be in the relationship when freely and truly I can give my whole self.

For
all those who favor her more than me, for all those who understood her
more than me, for all those who hate me for hurting her, to you Isay, I
never in my wildest dream intended to hurt you as you feel right now.
It’s not only you who’s heartbroken, I too am broken. It’s not only you
who’s hurt because I too am deeply hurt. I never wanted you to feel any
bit of hurt.

I conceded to breaking up because I know I am
hurting you, and I’m sure I’ll still do. Not because that I do not love
you, not because I never cared for you, but because above it all, I
loved you more that I don’t want you to suffer for me. I’d rather be
the one bled to death than you.

Now finding out your dating
someone else, masakit pero kinakaya ko. Nadiri ako nga mahingadto ka ha
iba nga igtitake advantage ka la because I never took advantage of you.
I respected you more than myself. I have high respect for women, having
three sisters in the family. Nadiri ako nga mahingadto ka ha iba nga
ig-aabuse ka la in whatever form. They say sometimes women wants to be
abused, but I never would do that. They say women wanted to be pursued,
be given so much time, be given attention, be pleased and so much more.
I don’t know that. It’s ironic, I had more women in the family but I
never really could understand them. I guess I needed to please myself
first, give time and attention for my own before doing it to somebody
else. I never have satisfied that personal need yet.

I’m going
in circles in this. But let me just tell everyone, anyone or she
herself who may be reading this, I love her, I love you but I need to
find myself first before I could really commit myself to anyone. I know
I had the time since but even up to now, I haven’t found myself yet.
You’d ask, up to when should she wait, up to when could we know?
Honestly, I really don’t know. Sometimes, I’d wish getting myself a
brain replacement or a selective amnesia serum and forget those things
that making me confuse and so many things.

I hope someone could understand me.

Dire ko pinagsisisihan ini nga relationship. I just hope you don’t too.
I
have said this for so many times but let me once again say this, I am
sorry, for everything I have caused you. Yet I want to thank you for
loving me so much, even more than I deserve.

Sincerely,

Imperfect Drunkard

Helpless Hopeless Hurtado

It is so damn difficult to rub out a person’s imprint on us, especially when that person has been through all your being. When a person has been an influence, a basis or a set of standard on most of your decisions, the more it gets tough to get through.

I carry this deep burden, a great part that I have not shared much. Few people know, few understand. There’s this person who I consider special, a great influence in my childhood and in my life in its entirety; has shared the company as a brother when I had none in my kin. Everything was like any friendship one could imagine. Then youth tendered this test that made a cut through everything. Youth can be deceiving, hearts can be misleading. Spaces can be filled but just like any clothe torn, it can be patched but stitches remain. When longing turns deep, love sometimes poses strife. Company was all I sought, or so I thought. Perhaps I needed more than that; perhaps I wanted more than I knew. Until now, I have not decided whether it’s you or the friendship I desire. Whether the company or the affection, whether I’m really that crazy to twist things around. You know what this is all about; I’ve told you about this before. Though you may have disregarded and rejected this absurdity, there’s this longing and hope that perhaps someday things will turn out well.

I thought it was over, at least starting to get over. But every time fate grants a chance for us to catch up, it never fails to twitch that weak part in me. And sometimes fate can be bitter when plans don’t turn out the way we expect it to be.
It damn hurts. It pains when you know you don’t have the right to feel that way. It isn’t right to demand when you know that person won’t be there to last. We question our jealousy when we know that person doesn’t belong to us. I wish we could just talk, feel each other’s company, enjoy time when there is. But when it does, I tend to wish for more and when it doesn’t happen, I feel hurt, betrayed and bewildered. I’m so crazy, so helpless. I want to get over this. I wish to stop.

I want you out of my life, I wish I could forget every memory I had about you. You’re hurting me and I’m sorry you don’t know that. I’ve been crying my whole life. I’m so damn foolish when all worlds tell me to forget you, yet I can’t seem to get to.

You make me happy yet I cry to sleep. You make me look forward seeing you yet I always seem to run away. You make me hope things will change to my favor yet time tends to flitter away. I wish I could forget you. I tried, trust me I did. Still I surrender to you. I get weaker each day. The more I realize things, the more I get lost in my self. Leave me, even though a part me clings on. You don’t know how much it’s tearing me apart. You may think this is silly and I’ll eventually grow from it, but I don’t seem to get through this silliness. But I think it’s I who should decide to put an end all to all this. But how?

How do get through this? How do I forget you? I wish to stop; I wish for this to end. Please make me not remember, please prick this longing for it impedes me. Make me as cold as a rock, devoid of any emotion for I don’t want to tumble anymore; I don’t want to get hurt anymore. Help me for I am but a helpless hopeless hurtado.

These are a string of emotions when my uber-happy-state-of-mind ceased. It was near to Christmas when things cleared out from a month-long space and agony. It was expected but I never knew the exact reason. It broke my heart; it broke a part of me.

“I’ve been honest, I’ve been very faithful, I loved more than I could give, I smiled and was happy, I inspired others that love could come when you just believe, I am grateful for everything for I have loved and I was loved.”

“Thank you for breaking my heart for I learned love, for loving is not all smiles. You made me realize no matter how happy a day has been, tomorrow may not always be the same, we may not have each other always. No matter how hard we hold each other’s hands, we are pulled by different strengths and time only when one must let go and it was you who were pulled. Empty-handed I stood. I am happy now; life is too sweet to sulk. I thank you for the hugs, the time and most importantly for the love. With you I realized I am worthy of love. With you I realized I can love someone. I wish you happiness with your family; I wish you God’s endless graces. We may see each other in the future, I can proudly say I loved that person and that person taught me how to love.”

“There’s so much uncertainty in life that sometimes plans never turn out the way we want it, sometimes relationships are only for a moment. Really, good things never last. No matter how hard we hold on, sometimes letting go is the only way to free ourselves from the aches and the misery. But that shouldn’t hinder us in living life to its fullest. Those were and they were but few stops in life that builds and strengthens who we are and who will we be in the future.”

They say that to get over someone, one must find another. New Year came. New life they say, new life I tried. Through the process, someone did come and he caught me when I was falling down. I never knew it could be that easy to forget someone. People doubted my transition; I had mine too. I imagined he’d be the answer to my heartache; all was well except what’s inside me. I thought I was over my past, I thought I have moved on, so I thought.
There were instances when I was comparing him to my heartbreaker; how he cared, my importance, my worth, and how I was loved. I was in all confusion and next thing happened to the next. I had to move out, I had to find myself.
Through it all, I hurt him; I hurt myself. With that I am sincerely sorry. You know who you are. I am sorry. It really wasn’t in my intention to hurt you. You have loved me so much but I was holding back. The problem was with me, it had never been you. You were almost perfect. But what was I to with perfection when deep within me, someone remains. You said that you can’t really compare to him and questioned me. I didn’t want to sound like that. Nothing extraordinary about him, it’s just that I loved him so much that it still hurts and it tore me. I didn’t want it to advance for I don’t want you to get hurt by me through the process. I had to resolve things on my own. You said you’d stay until everything settles. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want either that you stop living your life to it fullest. This may sound different but I want you to live your life unreserved, without much influence from me. But I would stay; if you needed help I’m here.
I am sincerely sorry for everything I caused you.

And now, I am alone once again. I choose to be alone this time. I had to solve whatever I had to. Heart where tampered through the course, some could be treated and some I hope could be restored. What have I realized all through this? Two things: Hearts are too precious to gamble, and Love is not that easy to forget.

In life, finding someone you can share moments with seems like the ultimate hope. Amidst all the chaos and skepticism, there lies certainty in a person whose presence touches us. It could be your sibling, your mom or a best friend… that love is so deep that it warms not even every but a part of our being. A special person touches us in other ways others cannot. It can kinder any emotion that is powerful and moving. Finding that person would be much like finding a Calvin Klein jacket at a bargain shop, rare but rewarding. Have you found your Calvin Klein’s already? I did…

They say the greatest thing one could ever learn is to love and be loved in return… Could it really be that simple? Well life is really that simple, what only complicates life is our thinking that it’s complicated. We make difficult of things when all of life is living and loving. We may get hitches along the way but at the end of every thing, love conquers all, it lifts us up where we belong. It sure did…

Happiness is a state of mind. It’s the pleasure you get from a scoop of vanilla ice cream or a bar of chocolate. The joy you find in the company of people, the affection and the refuge is equally akin to that happiness. Find that thing or that person that draws smile on your face, that makes your cheek blush as pink, and that makes you quiver in a good way. Make him happy; make yourself happy. I know I am…

A sense of safety from harm that not a single strike can break what binds. The feeling of assurance that at the end of every day, that person is there to listen, to care and ultimately to love us. There may be ordeals and those are given. What would count in the end is that you were there; you held his hand and loved with all your might. Much like a promise that you have each other to witness every dawn, every test, every fall. He promised, I promised…

You know who you are…

For every minute of this life that I am breathing, until there’s nothing in this world I can believe in, as long as there’s a single part of you that needs me, I know I’m gonna love you completely…

there’s a quiet desperation in each of us that seeks in moments of solitude.

wishful thinking of spending mornings and sunsets, of consolement and laughters with someone who’ll be a witness to everything… who’ll promise that we won’t get unnoticed…

hope is what keeps us…
hope’s what promises that there is someone…someone that is meant… really meant for us, for me perhaps.
damn you hope.

we’ve fallen once, we’ve bled twice.
still we hope.

have we spent much time hoping that leads us to a judgement or perhaps a question:
could you really be out there?
silently hoping we’ meet and end this frantic search for true love?

would you be the antidote to my curse?
the answer to my pleas?

will you complete me?

i’m not much of a picky type, need not to be swept off my feet…
but i regard honesty and sincerity, which i consider enough…

i’ve spent much time searching but to no avail…
so i’m crossing my fingers on this one *wink*

i just wanna smile for the right reason,
be secured and assured that at the end of every day, someone cares… someone who’ll be a witness to everything…

i wanna remember each moment, each smile, each scent, each line on your face, each deed and each time we’d utter "i love you".

will you be there?
will you be the one?